Day 7 - Friday 13th February 2009

Just got back from my helicopter mission to The Grand Canyon! I think I am going to be a helicopter pilot when I grow up. We zoomed over the hoover dam and the our pilot, Roger Rapey (spelled Riepe) told us loads of Rock Facts about the surrounding area. The Mars scenes from Total Recall were filmed nearby in the Fire Bowl and he also showed us the location of Area 51, if it existed. We landed at a cowboy ranch for breakfast. The ranch was originally owned by one of The Hole in The Wall Gang, you know, one of Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kids pals.
After the grub it was back in the amazocopter and off to the Grand Canyon. I haven't checked my photos yet but if they come out half as good as the real thing I will be happy. Spun about the canyon for about half an hour then he took us back over the strip. I have did loads of cool stuff this week but this wins easy.

This will probably be my last entry as I fly home tomorrow. Going to play with the lions at MGM and the Tigers and The Mirage and then going to see the light show tonight with Tanyawee Davis! Well it's been fun! See you soon...

Day 6 - Thursday 12th February 2009

Having some technical difficulties with the photos today.

The first thing I did was book a helicopter trip to the Grand Canyon for tomorrow morning at 6am! You can go by bus but it is a 14 hour round trip?!? The helicopter does it in 3 and goes via the Hoover Dam. I can't wait!

I then went to one of Vegas' many buffets. I had one of everything! It was only $10 for brunchinner, I didn't need to eat again for the rest of the day!

Hung about outside the Bellagio for the fountain display. It was brilliant! Every half hour they put on a show with about 100 fountains giving waldy for 5 minutes. They sploodge up to 100ft for the finale!

Managed to get a half price ticket for The Beatles LOVE - Cirque du Soleil. Even then I wasn't too sure if I would like it. It starts off with a kinda ringmaster guy, either an American putting on a fake BBC accent or else he is just an English dick. I thought it was going to be utter pish. Then it got dark and a huge projection of Ringo was beamed over my head. The intro to The End kicked in on the best sound system I have ever heard! Then giant John, Paul and George got in on the act as it turned in to Get Back. Then there was an explosion and it turned into the best thing in the world!!! Millions of confetti fell from the roof along with bungee trapeze artists! The floor opened up and breakdancing trampoline guys burst out! It was like High School Musical vs. Jackie Chan! They came out strong! Next up some bubble magic that I could only dream off! Wee bubbles, big bubbles, smoke bubbles and laser bubbles?!?! Then it gets dark for about 2 seconds and they change songs and costumes and come out and do some different shit! This is the best thing ever!

Day 5 - Wednesday 11th February 2009

Day 5 - 11th February 2009

Only have half a day left in New York and I haven’t seen the dinosaurs yet! I jumped on the subway and made my way to the museum district. Its a pity that it is my last day as I have become a subway expert. I was stopped and asked directions three times today. Stupid tourists!

Went to the Guigenheim Museum first. It was shut! Oh well, the outside looks cool! Walked past the Jew Museum and cut through Central Park to the Museum of Natural history. I had been told that it was a recommended donation of $20 but you can just pay $1. I thought it would just be a collection plate at the door but you have to go up to a till and pay. I tried to
make five $1 bills look fat I felt a bit of a pikey. They have dinosaurs! Lots of them..





Here comes the lowlight of my trip so far... Arrived at Newark Airport 2 hours early for my flight. It was delayed by an hour and the people that were waiting were talking loud and saying nothing! Ugh! I would go into great detail about how I wanted to dropkick about a dozen faces but it would just stress me out. Got on the plane to discover I was in seat B. The worst seat. The flight seemed to take about 10 hours instead of 5. Whoever said it is the journey not the destination is a dick. The worst part of travelling is the travelling!

I arrive in Vegas around 7pm. It is ridiculous! I headed straight to my hotel to check out my jacuzzi! I checked in at the reception and they gave me directions to my penthouse. It honestly took me about 10 minutes to get to my room?!?! On the journey I walked past and indoor forrest, 2 waterfalls and a huge eBay puggy! My room was Amazo! Probably about the same size as Flat Amazo?!?! The jacuzzi was brilliant too. Time to hit the strip!



The strip is about twice the size of Sauchiehall Street but with more Eiffel Towers and giant M & Ms and it smells like a BBQ. Somebody handed me a free pass to ROK, the best nightclub in Vegas. I decided to check it out. I had to que for about an hour and when I got to the front of the que the bouncer ID-ed me. I left my passport back at the hotel for safety so only had my old student card. He looked at it and said it had expired. I told him that my D.O.B. was still the same and that I was from Scotland and hadn't been ID-ed for over 10 years. He told be to bolt. It sounded pish anyway!

What's on the iPod : "After the Goldrush" - Neil Young

Day 4 - Tuesday 10th February

This was my last full day in New York and I still had millions of cool stuff to see. I got up early and made my way to the Staten Island Ferry. It is meant to give you great views of the Financial District and the Statue of Liberty but it was cloudy and the windows were boggin’.



Next on my list, a hot date with a 300ft lady. The ferry out to Liberty Island is much better and you can sit out on the deck. The weather was starting to clear up and I got some amazo photos. When you get to the island you can go up on to the pedestal but I thought you could get up into her eyes like in Ghostbusters 2.



The site of the World Trade Centre is only a few blocks away from the ferry terminal so I decided to check it out. It is rubbish. Well, it is rubble actually. It is surrounded by fences so can’t really see what they are building. Some posters around the perimeter show the new WTC Liberty Tower but when I asked one of the workmen when it would be completed he just said “a long time”.



Spent some time cutting about Time Square. The highlight has to be the Hard Rock Cafe. They have loads of cool Beatles memorabila and Rock Facts...





Went back to my hotel for a powernap before dinner. My map said that the Marilon Monroe’s Subway Grill was one block from my hotel but I couldn’t find it. I asked about a dozen people and they all looked blankly at me. After my powernap and hotdog (a big let down by the way, just imagine a 10p “sausage” in a roll) got the V train downtown to The Sidewalk Cafe. This is the spiritual home of the New York Anti Folk scene. I met Matt and Nan and they introduced me to a female drag act?!?! I stayed for the first couple of acts, The World Famous Bob. She was really funny, and the female drag act that I had just met. Next up was a guy called David And who was demo-ing his new rock opera! It was, different.

What's on the iPod : "Misdirected Energy" - Major Matt Mason USA

Day 3 - Monday 9th February 2007

Today I went to Central Park. It is a bit like Kelvingrove Park apart from it is a hundred times bigger and is surrounded by skyscrapers. Before I visited the John Lennon memorial in Strawberry Fields I checked out the Dakota Building where he was shot by that mentalist. I don't know if the sun went behind a cloud but it sent a shiver done my spine. I bought a cool picture frame with photos of John Lennon in New York and then went to find the memorial. This is quite an eerie spot too. I took a few photos and then just sat on a bench for about an hour watching tourists take their photos and leave flowers and poems. On my way back to the hotel some dick bardged through the turnstyles on the subways and smashed my picture. I was ragin' but I suppose it saves the baggage handlers in Glasgow from smashing it on my way home. That reminds me, I wonder if Smeato is about...



Next Stop... The Empire State Building. This was amazo! 86 floors up everything is like Google Earth! I bought some audio device that tells you lots of Rock Facts about the part of New York you are looking at. The photos don't really do it justice but they are still pretty cool...











What's on my iPod : "Imagine" - John Lennon

Day 2 - Sunday 8th February 2009

Woke up at 7am and checked out! I headed uptown to my new hotel, The Pod. It is amazo but I was too early and had to wait until 12 before I could check in. I was going to see Jeff Lewis do a kids show at 1 so I left my bags at reception and told them I would be back later. Jeff's gig was at the other side of town but I figured 5 hours should give me plenty of time. Decided to have a delicious breakfast of pancakes and syrup and bacon. It is wrong! I still ate but only after I had scraped the syrup off my bacon!
Found the venue really easily but it wasn't open yet. Cut about the lower east side for a bit and found a pub that was showing the Spurs vs. Arsenal game and the Scotland rugby game. There was a Scottish guy about my age at the bar but he was from Edinburgh and was a dick. The barman told me he loved Scotland and he had lots of ancestors from there. I asked him if he sold Irn Bru and he hadn't even heard of it. Dick!

Went back to the venue for Jeff's gig. I had e-mailed Jeff and asked him if he could put me on the guestlist as it was a kid show and adults had to be accompanied by a kid and vice versa. There was about 100 kids skanking it up when I arrived and thankfully the girl on the door had my details. Jeff spotted me and welcomed me to New York. He also introduced me to his other guest, a lady called June who was about 70!



Jeff did about 10 songs including 2 of his low-budget music videos. He got some kids to act as a video-prompter for a new song that he couldn't remember the lyrics to. June took some photos with a huge camera and told me that she has been friends with Jeff since he was a kid. Jeff then did a Q and A with some hilarious questions from the kids.



I went to thank him for getting me in and wish him luck on his Australian tour. He said he was going to the park with some friends if I would like to come. Yes, yes I would. His friends turned out to be Andre Herman Dune and his girlfriend Clemence, Dina from Prewar Yardsale and her kid Herman. You probably don't recognise these names but they are legends of the Anti-folk scene, and cool! I showed Herman my magic shoelaces and he thought I was amazo. He said he couldn't understand what I said though and that I sound a bit like Shrek?!? He is only 5. We hung out in the park and then when it got too cold Jeff suggested we go to his parents apartment that was nearby. So, ten minutes later I am showing Jeffrey Lewis' mum my magic shoelaces! She thinks I am amazo. She is about 60. Jeff showed me lots of cool records and comics he has been collecting over the years. He gets a call from somebody and asks if I want to go to Presentation Night. I have never heard of Presentation Night, but yes, yes I do want to go. He has to make a quick stop at Matt and Nan's first. They are also cool anti-folkers who I have met a few times at gigs in Glasgow. Yas! When we get there they have just finished recording Toby Goodshanks' new album. Yip, you guessed it, he is a cool anti-folker too! Matt and Nan remember me from their last gig. It was at the Art School and I got a parking ticket! We hung out for a while. Jeff pointed out that my lace was untied. Seconds later Matt, Nan and Toby thought I was amazo!

Presentation Night. Jeff said it was at a friend of a friend's apartment in Brooklyn. This lead to my first ride in a yellow taxi! We got to the apartment and the host explained the concept. People had brought along presentations to present to people. You had 10 minutes to present something. He then went on to do a half hour presentation on Autism! Turns out he had Asberger's and had writen papers on it. Next up, some guy that had made a powerpoint on some credit crunch conspiracy. This also lasted about half and hour! Then a girl who had spent a year working in Nigeria as a nurse told us all about a condition that affects thousands of women. There was a Powerpoint. Thankfully the next presentation was a quickie. A girl showed us how to do a handstand. Then a guy taught us how to make an origami frog. Jeff did 2 spoken word songs a la Woody Guthrie and then presented me. I told them that I had a 2 second presentation about shoelaces...

I managed to blag a lift back to Manhattan with a couple of cool guys and the handstand girl. One of them was a film-maker who had just sold his show to HBO. It follows the adventures of him and his brother. I asked him if it would be anything like Kenny vs. Spenny. He said no. Apparently they have climbed Mount Kilimanjaro and done other cool stuff.

What's on my iPod : "The East River" - Jeffrey Lewis

Day 1 - Saturday 7th February 2009

Got up at 6:30am! Still had some packing to do as forward planning is for losers. All was going well until my mum spotted my cool Bomberman skoolbag and told me that I would not be allowed on a plane with a bag that had a huge logo of a wee guy chucking a bomb! I told her she was an idiot but that didn't seem to help. Thankfully I had ordered a cool Irn Bru sticker off eBay and it fitted perfectly over the offending bomb! It actually looks even cooler than before. Yas!

When I was at the airport I found a wallet sitting at one of the sinks in the restroom (that's what we call toilets here in New York!) I opened it to see if there was a name on a card or something and there was, Craig Johnstone. I used to go to school with a guy called Craig Johnstone! He was also known as Scoogie and was brilliant. I also noticed there was no cash in the wallet! This made handing it in to secuirity a bit dodgy in case they thought I had pocketed it! I handed it in and the guy put out an urgent message to Scoogie or some other Craig Johnstone. Maybe I would be rewarded for this good deed.

I was one of the first on the plane. Seat 27 F. A window seat! Yas! Leg room was a bit touch and go but as long as I didn't have to sit next to a fatty or an idiot I would be happy. The plane filled up but nobody had the seats next to me! I put my feet up and built a nest out of pillows and blankets and prepared for my first powernap of my adventure.

7 hours later I am in New York. Well, Newark Airport just outside New York. Got a bus and enjoyed the view. The bus takes the same route that Tony Soprano takes at the start of the Sopranos. The only difference is that Tony doesn't get stuck in a tunnel for over an hour because of an accident! The heat was unbearable and I was close to a whitey when we finally got moving again. I got of the bus just off Time Square.

Found my way to the station and asked some people how to get to my hotel in Chelsea. I had to get a couple of trains but it wasn't too bad. My heart sank when I saw my hotel though. It was having some renovations according to the sign on the door. This means the reception had no floor and was covered in plastic sheeting with planks of wood to walk on. The guy on reception told me that he was covering for his friend who had been taken to hospital with an eye injury and I would need to come back in an hour. I asked him to check my booking and thankfully they had only received payment for one night so I could find somewhere a bit less shit for the rest of my stay!

Went back in an hour and checked in. My room was about the size of a double bed and hotter than the sun! I dumped my bags and bolted! Jumped on a train and headed uptown. I have seen lots of New York on tv and movies before but in real life it is too big. My neck was starting to ache just from looking up! Found myself on Broadway and was hypnotised by all the big screens. A guy handed me a flier for a comedy club. Well, how could I resist! I have spent the last 100 Saturday nights in a comedy club why make it 101. It was about the same size as The Stand but somebody would direct you to a seat then take your order. Turns out there is a 2 drink minimum that means you have to pay $20 on top of the $15 to get in. The show started and I hated it. The waiters kept taking orders and bringing orders to customers/ idiots and the compere was unfunny. The first act was a girl with a guitar. Laugh, I nearly did. The second act was Marina Franklin! She is a funny comedian who played at The Stand last year. After her set I spotted her at the bar and went up to say hello. She said she remembered me and then introduced me to the manager. I don't know if it was crossed wires or the guy thought I looked funny but he offered me a 5 minute slot?!?! I politely declined and he gave me his business card. He showed me a hall of fame gallery of all the acts who have performed there. It is apparently the oldest comedy club in New York and it is where Seinfield filmed some of his shows. I told him I didn't really know Seinfield but I was a big Larry David fan and he said that he visited quite a lot as he stays across the street! Pretty good! I said goodbye and headed back to my stinkbomb of a hotel.

No decent photos as my super camera needs charged up.

What's on my iPod : "Hard Times in New York" - Bob Dylan